Diary Of A Loser
Well I have surprised myself – not only have I stuck at going to the gym and choosing better food options for over 6 weeks – but I have also been actually enjoying my new healthier more active lifestyle!!
What has changed the most is my mindset and my outlook on health, fitness, life and who I am and who I want to be. I have realised that I had placed so many obstacles in front of myself – deep seated obstacles to hide behind that had been with me since I was a chubby grade 3 teased for being a bit slower than the other kids… I soon learnt how to avoid exercise so that the others wouldn’t be able to hurt me like that again… not realising – even as an adult – that I was only hurting myself.
I think the last time I swam in a public pool was when I was about 12 – I used to tell the teacher it was my time of the month EVERY WEEK to avoid having to wear bathers – even though realistically I wasn’t THAT much bigger than the other girls in high school… it was just that in-ground fear of ridicule that held me back. That was until 2 weeks ago – when my beautiful friend Leah suggested she would come and do a workout with me if I had a swim with her afterwards – A SWIM!!!! IN A PUBLIC POOL!!!!! IN MY SWIMWEAR!!!!!!! Oh dear….. the old me was screaming out nooooooooooo!!!!! But the new me said hey why not – lets do this….
So I shaved my legs, wacked on a dob of fake tan, hunted down the new bathers I bought a few weeks earlier thinking they may or may not ever get used… and toddled off to the gym… The workout was fun – Leah and I had a good giggle at the thought of us actually exercising together when for almost 20 years we had only ever done milo or drank alcohol… then came swim time…. I expected my anxiety to try and take over – clammy hands – cold sweat… nope – it didn’t happen – I got changed and prepared for the long walk of shame from the change rooms to the pool – the longest 4 or 5 metres I have ever walked…. My lily white chubby legs (the fake tan didn’t work) didn’t even miss a step as I headed for the pool and popped myself in – oh pure heaven after being in the gym – I took a bit of a look around – a couple people all doing their own thing didn’t even notice me as I started to try and remember HOW to swim after so long – and an hour later I was more than comfortable in my new element – no longer a fish out of water!!
I have now been back twice for gym n swim sessions!! Honestly if someone had told me 6 weeks ago that I would be where I am today I would have never believed them – but here I am – JUST FKN DOING IT – every day doing something new or trying a new food – changing for the better – becoming more confident and happy with who I am and where I am going – using my vision board and my weekly sessions with Alana to remind me every morning what I want and how to get it – if I can do this anyone can!!!
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